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\begin{document}
\title{EGMO 2014 Unofficial Student Report}
\author{}
\date{}
\maketitle

Blah EGMO blah girls blah third blah Turkey.

Anyway.

We are the Egmoids of UNK:
\begin{itemize}
\item UNK1, Olivia Aaronson -- now also known as Parrot Zombie no.~2
\item UNK2, Katya Richards -- even more confused at having now been
promoted to UNK2
\item UNK3, Eloise Thuey -- never ever again to be referred to as
`Eloise the negro cheese'
\item UNK4, Kasia Warburton -- spoon-diving champion.
\end{itemize}

We regret that UNK0 was unable to take up his customary position as
emergency reserve due to his tragic failure to turn up to the
Pregmo\footnote{Pre-EGMO.} camp.  We do however have a new mascot, Joe
`Josephine' Benton, who we unfortunately left in Cambridge.

\section*{Day 1}

5.30am -- Eloise leaves the house \\
8.30am -- Katya leaves the house \\
9.00am -- Hannah leaves the house, in slight hysterics, after finding
her keys \\
9.30am -- Olivia leaves the house \\
11.00am -- Kasia leaves the house (no smugness here at all) \\
11.30am -- We meet up and check in \\
12.00pm -- Jo arrives and checks in.

After a fairly uneventful flight (only one of us needs an oxygen mask,
after all) accompanied by bonus children sound effects amplifier on
slight time delay, we arrive in sunny Antalya.\footnote{At night.  But
it was the thought that counted, oh weather gods.}  We locate baggage,
Geoffage, mini-Geoffages and transportage, and leave for one of
300.000 hotels mentioned in a Turkish advert.  Katya declares that
Turkish trees are weird.

\begin{center}
\includegraphics[width=10cm]{2014-egmo-report-egmoids-photo1.png}
\end{center}

At the hotel, we have to fight for keys, dinner and access to toilets,
but they are all lovely when they arrive.  A very impressive rucksack
full of goodies makes up for this wait (Mugs! For tea!).

There is a single and a double bed in each room.  We are too British
and polite for anybody to claim either, so in the end UNKs 3 and 4
flip a coin while UNKs 1 and 2 decide to switch halfway.  Despite
being invited to the all-night disco,\footnote{N.B.: ends at
midnight.} we go to sleep.

\section*{Day 2}

Kasia awakes to find Eloise staring out of the window.  ``Are you
awake?''\ Kasia asks.  ``Yes,'' Eloise replies.  We go downstairs to
investigate breakfast.  There is a bewildering array of food, but no
tea, unless you count the unidentifiable herbal things.\footnote{We do
not.  Jo's turns out to be rosemary and Olivia's jasmine.}  After
Hannah leaves to do official stuff, a random American man comes up and
starts to ask about EGMO.  He informs us that there is no money in
mathematics and that we all should all become engineers and
physicists, before asking if Joseph and Dan Schwarz are our dates.  We
gently correct him on both counts.  After breakfast we decide to
investigate the hotel\ldots.

\begin{center}
\colorbox{black}{\color{white}
\begin{minipage}{146mm}
On our hunt for the indoor swimming pool, we find this sign:

\begin{center}
\includegraphics[width=7cm]{2014-egmo-report-egmoids-photo2.jpg}
\end{center}

We decide to enter (leaving a more cautious Jo at the exit), and find
a pitch black abandoned haunted bar, illuminated only by brief flashes
from Olivia's camera,\footnotemark{} which led to some gorgeous
photos.  We find a hidden passage to a deserted dressing room, and a
car in a corridor.  Fearing that it would come at us, we flee, except
Olivia, who valiantly remains in the name of investigative
journalism.\footnotemark{} After being shouted at by some Turkish men
she too flees.

\begin{center}
\includegraphics[width=7cm]{2014-egmo-report-egmoids-photo3.png}
\quad
\includegraphics[width=7cm]{2014-egmo-report-egmoids-photo4.png}
\end{center}
\end{minipage}
}
\end{center}
\footnotetext[5]{Technically also Katya's phone torch.}
\footnotetext[6]{Aka photography for the student report.}

With ten minutes before the opening ceremony, we decide to paint our
nails to match our t-shirts.  These are confusingly colour-coded to
match those the deputy leaders have all been given.  Hannah is told to
change lest she be too well camouflaged and slip us the questions.
Our GUNK\footnote{Guide UNK.} is just confused -- it turns out later
that she and the other guides have spent the day puzzling over our
clothing.  There is an opening ceremony.  It is nice.  We get filmed
laughing, which causes us to laugh harder.  The cameras appear to be
everywhere -- this becomes a recurrent theme of our stay.  Geoff makes
a speech in which he declares the papers to be beautiful, so we
conclude that they will be entirely geometry.\footnote{This later
turns out not to be entirely correct.}  There is much Turkish Irish
men's can-can.

\begin{center}
\includegraphics[width=10cm]{2014-egmo-report-egmoids-photo5.jpg}
\end{center}

The afternoon activities begin with air-rifling.  Half the contestants
turn up, and only one air-rifle, so due to our British inability to
participate in disorderly queuing, we leave and do maths instead.
Half an hour in, our GUNK rings to inform us that the volleyball match
is cancelled.  We are all inconsolable.  Mathsing continues, although
we do not get very far before we go mad,\footnote{Symptoms include
playing Top Trumps and attempting inversion.} at which point we head
to the lobby to play Rummikub.  Katya is called over to teach the
Polish team.  Two of them are called Katarzyna, so we consider
donating Kasia to them in exchange for one of the Annas.  Hannah turns
up with Jungle Speed.  By the time someone (Eloise) wins and we are
able to go to dinner, Katya is well on her way to acquiring most of
the deck.

At dinner, Hannah and Jo provide a pep talk, and the GUNK turns up
with the rules, in which she claims we must all wear our pink shirts.
``I was going to wear it, but I don't like being told what to do,''
says Kasia.  We decline the offer of `Life Music' in the dungeon in
favour of an early night.  Katya and Olivia's plans are almost
thwarted by Olivia's fascinating array of new compasses, but they too
eventually get to sleep.

\section*{Day 3}

Breakfast is uneventful.  Clad in our compulsory pink, we go to the
exam hall, and discover that only about half the contestants have
obeyed this diktat.  As revenge for last year, when Katya tried to
compete for Ukraine, UKR3 attempts to sit in UNK3's seat, with
vigorous but ultimately unsuccessful lanyard wearing to insist she is
right.  UNK4 has to leave the room several times for a coughing fit.
Nothing notable happens to UNKs 1 or 2, but nobody seems to have told
the now ubiquitous cameramen this.

At lunch we discover the joys of Turkish flatbread.  Jo is now torn,
as she cannot marry both the flatbread man and the baklava man and
take them home to cook for her.  After lunch we head to the beach, and
see a pair of turtles (probably tortoises).

(WARNING: The following section is not suitable for minors.  Joe and
Harvey, skip to the next paragraph.)

``Ooh! It looks like one of them's giving the other a
piggyback! \ldots Oh.  Right,'' says Katya.  One of the tortoises
seems considerably more into these events than the other; Eloise
spends a fair amount of time pointing out its rather dazed expression.
Feeling quite bad about having done nothing but laugh and stare, we
leave.

Hannah and Jo continue on to the beach, where they definitely do not
paddle, while we get distracted by Frisbee.  The winning tactic is
`Don't throw it where Jonathan is', unless you are Katya, who is
ordered to throw it at Jonathan in the certain knowledge that it will
not get there.  We are eventually tempted away by the idea of
waterslides.\footnote{This halves one of the Frisbee teams and leads
to the eventual demise of the game.  Dear Irish team, we apologise
sincerely.}  While attempting to get towel cards from reception, a
Turkish man comes up to us and informs us that Eloise should not go
out in the sun, or else she will turn negro, and also that she is like
cheese.  We discover that Olivia's multiplication is only accurate
modulo factors of 50.  The pool, which signs assure us has a
lifeguard, is fun.  When the slides turn off, we play tag with the
Luxembourgeois and French.  When we try to leave, the towel bar is
shut, and so we have an interesting game of charades with a
(different) Turkish man.  We eventually decide he means `Bring the
towels back tomorrow', but wonder where the mathematical pun is.
Olivia suggests `Bring the pink tao theorem back tomorrow', but we are
unable to verify it.

\begin{center}
\includegraphics[width=10cm]{2014-egmo-report-egmoids-photo6.jpg}
\end{center}

At dinner, we are greeted by Chinese lanterns and two gentlemen in a
tent cooking stir-fry.  Also, more flatbread.  It is very exciting.
After a few rounds of Rummikub, we once again attempt to get an early
night.\footnote{So many discos we are missing! Our GUNK always
displays her sadness at this at breakfast.}  Olivia instead gets very
excited about the power mean inequality, which is much cooler than
sleep.

\section*{Day 4}

This morning it is Katya's turn to terrorise her roommate, who screams
quite loudly and terrorises Katya as well.  At breakfast Geoff yells
``Power of a point!''\ at us.  We wonder if he should be talking about
maths with us, since he already gave the UK team too much knowledge
about the paper in the opening ceremony.  We shortly afterwards learn
that it was acceptable since there is no geometry at all on Paper 2.
When we emerge, distraught, we tell Geoff that since we were unable to
use power of a point, we have all scored no marks.  He seems quite
concerned.  Our leaders have left on an excursion, so we lunch alone,
but this means more flatbread for us.

After lunch, we visit the slides some more, then join in with the pool
games organised by the guides.  Kasia wins the spoon-diving contest on
behalf of the United Kingdom, narrowly beating the two other
contestants in a very Norwegian-dominated final.  The next game
involves sucking on a straw to move a ping-pong ball between two
glasses.  We leave when the comments of the man running it get too
creepy.\footnote{``But girls should be better at this than boys'',
``You're quite good at this\ldots\ do you have a boyfriend?''}  The
omnipresent video-cameras are also making us feel quite uncomfortable.

Back at the slides once more, we squish several members of the Turkish
team while trying to fit seven people down the rainbow
slide.\footnote{It had seven lanes.  It was asking for it.}
Definitely no sunbathing occurs.  Definitely no paddling also occurs
then we visit the beach with some Romanians and bury Kasia.  We are
very excited to discover that all-inclusive hotels include free
ice-cream.  While queuing, we meet Farida Flanelle.  Hammocks provide
entertainment until dinner.

\begin{center}
\includegraphics[width=10cm]{2014-egmo-report-egmoids-photo7.png}
\end{center}

In the evening, we play Jungle Speed with the Irish, who are actually
very civilised and shockingly non-violent, given their Set techniques.
Kasia ends up with most of the deck for repeatedly knocking over the
totem.  We also play French Mao, where our British inability to not
say `Thank you' when receiving cards puts us at a large disadvantage.
We don't really bother with the early night thing, in favour of UKMT
gossip.

\section*{Day 5}

``I had a dream where our guide rang us at midnight,'' says Kasia.
``So did I,'' says Eloise.  ``Maybe she actually did.'' Katya was
nearly awake at midnight, and can confirm that this did indeed happen.
We conclude that she was probably wondering why we weren't at the
disco.  At 8am our guide rings us again, to check that we are
awake.\footnote{We weren't.  We didn't need to be.  Then, suddenly, we
were.}

The excursion scheduled for the day is delayed a little.  On the
coach, which drives on the right, even without Hannah there to remind
it that Turkish traffic does so, we see a military institution, and
dutifully put away our cameras.  The guard smiles and seems quite
friendly.  We eventually arrive at the ruins of a Roman bath house,
which we are surprised to find we are allowed to climb on.  Only the
native English speakers can understand the tour guide, and even then
only if we concentrate.  Olivia manages to find mud in amongst the
parched and dusty ruins.

\begin{center}
\includegraphics[width=10cm]{2014-egmo-report-egmoids-photo8.jpg}
\end{center}

We then travel to a waterfall, where we are given lunch, but told not
to eat it.  The waterfall is very pretty.  Olivia is abducted by a man
with a parrot (nominated creepy guy of the day), following which all
that returns to us is a parrot zombie.\footnote{Henceforth referred to
as just `Olivia', for simplicity.}  While waiting for the coach back,
we foolishly decide to sit in front of a boxing machine which
plays\footnote{Well, attempts to play.  Sadly, it could only hit one
note.}  the opening of `Eye of the Tiger' every 45 seconds.  Seeing
that it is set to be a long wait, we buy some pomegranate flavour
magnums, which taste very nice.  Evidently having heard about our
adventures with the hot chocolate prices last year, the vendor
attempts to give us incorrect change, but we refuse to be fooled
again.  About an hour later, when people have finished their camel
rides,\footnote{We passed these on the way in, and the baby camel was
adorable.} we leave.

\begin{center}
\includegraphics[width=7cm]{2014-egmo-report-egmoids-photo9.jpg}
\quad
\includegraphics[width=7cm]{2014-egmo-report-egmoids-photo10.jpg}
\end{center}

At this point it dawns on us that there is a strange ambulance
following us wherever we go.  Comparing notes with our glorious
leaders back at the hotel, it turns out they also went on the
excursion the previous day, and are the same people we see regularly
at meals who look to be playing dress-up.

Olivia and Kasia play Penguin Party with the Dutch, while Eloise and
Katya lose horribly at Bang to the Americans and Irish, and go to
dinner with them.  A culturally edifying discussion of different
history curricula turns into a very serious debate about the pros and
cons of cannibalism.  This was genuinely not any of the UNKs' fault.
Later, we try to play English Mao with various other teams.  But
despite being obviously superior, it seems quite calm compared to
French Mao.  After a Hannah-hunt, in which we do not catch a big one,
or even an average-sized one or an Olivia, which was our true aim, we
go to bed.

\section*{Day 6}

Breakfast becomes an organised mass smuggling operation of pastries
into our bags for the next day.  Some of us are more subtle than
others.  The morning is spent swimming with our favourite Romanian,
who had lost her team.\footnote{Who we also quite like.}  With the aid
of a Turkish girl, we discover that 5 or 6 is the optimum number of
people to have on the rainbow slide.  We also learn that the blue
slide is faster than the multi-coloured enclosed slide.  Many repeats
are required to adequately test this hypothesis.  There is once again
definitely no sunbathing.

The closing ceremony is very dramatic.  Katya is glad that she forgot
to pack smart shoes, as this greatly facilitates running back to fetch
the flag.  Dramatic music is played for the medal presentations,
including Pirates of the Caribbean, which has several teams in
hysterics.  The Irish team win the competition by adopting almost
every contestant, in particular Eloise with her ginger hair and green
dress.  They present us with the UNK voting lollipop, coated in Irish
flags and stickers.  In revenge, we photobomb many of their photos
with Union Jack ribbon.

After Jo changes into her third then fourth outfit of the day, we
begin the very slow transfer to the boat trip.  Olivia\footnote{Aka
parrot zombie no.~1.} is kidnapped by another parrot man and replaced
with parrot zombie no.~2.\footnote{Henceforth also referred to as
Olivia.}  Seduced by the idea of the gay farmer, we convince several
other countries to play English Mafia, but only two days in it is time
for dinner.

Food is followed by dancing.  We continue the venerable EGMO tradition
of hijacking the sound system (in this case a live jazz band) and
convincing all the contestants to dance the Macarena.  The dancing
continues for several hours, with very enthusiastic mini-Geoffages,
until, exhausted, we retire to play Penguin Party.  After many more
teams filter downstairs to join us, a slightly forlorn looking guide
comes down, trying to persuade us back into the party, but our feet
hurt, and we are exhausted, so we decline.  Since we are on a boat in
the middle of a bay, we are unable to sneak off to bed, but we are
sorely tempted to join the various people passed out on
tables.\footnote{One person is passed out, surrounded by the strange
ambulance people, with an IV drip in his arm.  We do not wish to join
him.}  We drink coffee instead, as there is no tea.

\section*{Day 7}

0.30am -- We arrive back at the hotel.  Now we have to pack. \\
1.30am -- We eventually go to sleep. \\
5.45am -- We have to get up again.

Having got through security no.~1 at airport no.~1 in Antalya, we
break out the stolen pastries and have breakfast no.~1.  The queue
for bag drop seems to be a lot slower than the queue for check in and
bag drop.  At gate no.~1 (after security no.~2), we see a family who
appear to have been sponsored by Converse.  There is some confusion,
as, having been convinced that Hannah is not sitting in their seats,
they sit down in a random other person's seats.  Plane no.~1 is a
very pleasant journey, on which we are served breakfast no.~2.  At
border control no.~1 (now at airport no.~2, in Istanbul) Katya has a
fascinating conversation consisting entirely of the word `Visa' being
yelled more and more forcefully.  Eventually the man gives up and just
stamps her passport.  At gate no.~2 (after security no.~3), we sit
down for a picnic breakfast no.~3.  Plane no.~2 is also very nice,
and includes the poshest aeroplane meal any of us have ever seen.  We
call this lunch.  Somewhere over Brussels, we are informed that we
have 5km to go until airport no.~3 (London Gatwick).  We are slightly
sceptical.  After an incredibly fast baggage reclaim, we pass through
border control no.~2, who are very proud of our achievements.  And
then it is time to say goodbye.

\section*{Conclusion}

We should probably thank everyone involved at this point.  As indeed
we will, as it is well deserved.  Thank you to Hannah and Jo for being
kind, patient, organised and helpful, thank you Geoff for the small
amount of lecturing about geometry over breakfast, thank you to the
entirety of UKMT for being awesome, especially Bev, thank you to
everyone who has trained us over the past few years, thank you to the
Turkish organisers for choosing somewhere with such nice weather,
thank you lots and lots, with hugs and autograph requests, Joseph for
typesetting this report and definitely not taking this as an
opportunity to insert a more over the top thanks section, thank you
other UNKs for being great company, thank you Joe for agreeing so
explicitly to be our mascot, thank you flatbread man for feeding us
for the duration of the trip, thank you anyone we've missed out, thank
you anyone we haven't missed out but wants to be thanked twice, and
goodnight, Nightvale, goodnight.

\end{document}
